The True Colours of the SAS
by Rider Rules
Summary: Eagle is mental. Cub is a smartarse. Snake and Wolf grill Cub on *ahem* relationships. The Sarge is shocked. SAS men miss their significant others. Mix them all together and unleash chaos. T because I'm paranoid...  WARNING: Unique *cough* sense of humour
1. I'm so pretty!

**Hey! A new story! I have a weird sense of humour... Please R&R.**

**Disclaimer: Alex Rider is too awesome for me.**

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><p>"Eagle! Are you playing with <em>dolls<em>?"

"Yeah," scowled Eagle petulantly, clutching his 'doll make-up head' closer to him and continued applying eyeshadow to the grotesque thing. "I've given four a makeover, now I just have six to go, including this one!"

Alex stared at the sight before him. Nine doll's make up heads were in a line by Eagle's bunk, four complete with eyeshadow, lipstick, blusher- the works. Five were unharmed. Eagle was currently holding up a doll's head with one eyelid covered in orange eyeshadow. The doll was pale and had blue eyes. So fluorescent orange eyeshadow...? Not a good look. Wolf suddenly grunted.

"He does this make-up fest thing on the first day of every month."

"How do you put up with it? It's _very_ disturbing!" Wolf shrugged sulkily, seemingly having used up his word quota for that conversation, so Snake elaborated:

"By remembering how long it took to talk him out of putting his 'art' on exhibition." Alex just stared, feeling like he was going to pass out there and then.

"Don't you like my little dollies, Cub?"

"No! NO, I do NOT! They're disgusting little gremlins and your terrible taste in make-up doesn't help!" Everyone snickered at Eagle's hurt expression, and Fox took the chance to have a dig at Alex.

"I know, Cub. Do you wear make-up often?" Alex just gaped and spluttered at the obscene accusation.

"No... No! NO! I've seen enough girls at parties to know what's hot and what's not! I _do _know that I would NEVER EVER be attracted to any girls whose make-up looked similar to _that_!" Alex flourished a quaking finger at Eagle's horrors.

"Do you ever- At these parties-...Create , ahem, Biology, Cub?" Asked Snake with an evil grin.

"You do realise you're saying this to an only-just fifteen year-old, right?" Deadpanned Alex.

"Oh God!" Yelled Snake in realisation. Then: "Wait a minute, I thought that you were like, eighteen!"

"You seriously didn't know that?" Snorted Ben.

"Well, I mean, _duh,_" Growled Wolf, "I thought you were the medic! He still speaks in a girlish whine!" A cry of:

"You take that back!" Was immediately accompanied with a pillow in the face.

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><p>Quite a while later, Eagle's *gremlins* dolls had all been *tortured* given wonderful makeovers. Eagle was doing a little jig of excitement and flapping his hands around, squealing things like:<p>

"Hallelujah, my pretties!" or

"Aren't you the most beautiful little girlies ever?" and perhaps the most disturbing...

"I wish I looked just like one of you guys!"

Alex could've sworn that spots had been dancing past his eyes the moment Eagle had made that life-scarring statement. Nothing would ever be the same again... Not with that haunting memory.

Then the insane man had asked K-Unit to vote on which doll was the most attractive. Wolf rolled his eyes and pointed at a random doll, the rest of the Unit picking out the same one. But Alex Rider had a better idea. He loitered round the dolls, pretending to look lost in thought, then finally piped up in an uncertain tone.

"Well, Eagle... I can't really decide. They all look so stunning!" Wolf, Snake and Fox instantly launched into strikingly accurate impressions of a trout.

"Really, Cub? You mean it?"

"Yeah, Eagle. I guess I was just jealous before. Why don't you decide? Examine them and see which one you'd like to kiss most!" If the others had been doing a trout impression before, now their jaws were dislocated.

Surprisingly, Eagle seemed to take the matter very seriously, and began picking up and peering intently at the dolls.

"Hmm..." Flashing a wicked smile behind Eagle's back, Alex put the last phase of his plan into action. Just how far would an obviously mentally troubled SAS man go?

"Why don't you kiss them just to make _extra _sure?" Finally comprehending that he was being well and truly had, Eagle straightened up and hollered,

"CUB!" And darted out of the hut in pursuit of the teenage spy... With probably his most revolting doll in hand.

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><p>Alex was laughing so hard he was nearly doubled over. Then he caught sight of Eagle chasing after him... <em>clutching a doll<em>! Oh God. He had to get away quickly! But Alex Rider would never get out of dangerous, troubling or awkward situations...

Eagle was just catching up to Alex, when the Sergeant barked for them to stop,

"Eagle! Cub! ... What the hell is that... _thing_?"

"She's not a _thing_!" Yelled Eagle resentfully, "Anastasia is gorgeous!" This had attracted the attention of many units and they all stood around and gawked at Eagle; sure, they all knew he was crazy, but... _playing with dolls? _That was just beyond comprehension.

"It actually has a name?" Muttered Alex, drawing a few sniggers, "You should've called it Medusa or something."

"Take that back!"

"You are kidding me, right?"

"SHUT UP!" Roared the Sarge, red. "Now, Eagle, if you're going to play with such a DISGUSTING LITTLE... PUKEFACE! Then, for THE LOVE OF GOD take it back to your cabin so we aren't all BLINDED by its... PUNY... MISHED-UP FACE!" Eagle gasped.

"Now you've hurt her feelings!" He cried, clutching 'Anastasia' to his chest. The Sarge gawked for a few seconds, then swayed a bit... And passed out. Into a huge mud puddle. All the units stared for a bit then someone spoke up,

"Shouldn't we drag him out of there?"

"Nah!" Dismissed Alex, waving a hand, "Can't be arsed." The majority of people shrugged and nodded at the perfectly *un*reasonable solution.

"Come!" Grinned Eagle dramatically, if not rather creepily, "Come and see my other eight lickle beauties!" A few more men promptly fainted.

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><p>Inside K-Unit's hut, everyone was laughing heartily at the sight of the, um, beauties, lined up next to Eagle's bed. Then one bright spark came up with an idea. A whine:<p>

"You know, guys, I miss my girlfriend so much..." Was met with agonized groans as the other men all conjured up mental images of their girlfriends, fiancées, or wives. "So why don't we recreate them in the dolls?"

The air was tense for a moment, before the men all lunged for the dolls that looked like their respective significant others. Alex _just _managed to grab a doll with reasonably long, dark brown hair like Sabina.

Everyone who had been lucky enough to get a doll set furiously to work, mainly to untangle the bad hairdos and to scrub off the smudged make up.

Alex was busy brushing out the doll Sabina's hair and making it into a nice style, where he made two little plaits on the side of fake Sab's head, then pulling them together around the back, held in place with a pale pink flower clip.

Sabina didn't wear much make up, so all he had to do to finish off the doll was to apply some mascara, lipgloss and a hint of silvery eyeshadow (Although it looked more bluey on the real Sabina because of her eyes.)

Looking around the room, Alex's doll was definitely the best; he and Sabina had played around a bit with each others' appearance: They picked out each others' clothes, then Sabina did Alex's hair while he did her hair and make up. Even if it hadn't always worked out at the start, it was still fun, and Sab said it was romantic.

Then Alex finally realised that everyone was staring at him.

"What?" He snapped.

"That perfect doll..." A guy croaked out, "It's _unnatural._" Then Wolf finally burst out with the shocker,

"Are you gay?"

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><p><strong>^ No offence on the last sentence. It's just that Wolf's logic says: Alex good at make up=Alex wear make up. Alex wear make up=Alex not straight. Alex not straight=Alex gay.<strong>

**Review! (If you're still sane enough to do so. YOU WERE WARNED.)**


	2. Wolf's torture

**Yay! A new chappie! Enjoy! XD. Please review on whether it is better or worse than the last.**

Alex stared for a minute, floundering about what he was going to say, opening and shutting his mouth, just like Bob the Goldfish. Who is dead and never existed in the first place. Finally, after three hours had passed and everyone else had been frozen in the same position, he found a comeback.

"You wish, Wolf." Everyone jolted back to life in time to hear Wolf make a choking sound. Alex laughed manically at the man's discomfort and shut up when he realised he sounded like a bad guy.

"You little brat!" Roared Wolf, "Do I _look _like a fucking paedophile?" There were a few murmurs of 'yes' and 'definitely', along with 'no doubt about it'.

"What? You can't be serious!" Yelled Wolf.

"Maybe if you did your hair differently, you wouldn't look so paedo-ish!" Sang Eagle. Yes. Eagle sang. Then continued on to sing 'I'm not gonna grow up' by Simple Plan, which suited him perfectly. Anyway, he's insane, and when you're insane, anything makes sense.

"Jeez, Wolf." Snake chipped in, "Have you ever wondered why parents pull their kids away when we go to the supermarket on leave?"

For the first time in his life, Wolf whimpered. Everyone stared in shock, and Wolf zoned out, mortified at himself. He had never whimpered... Not even when he was five and broke his arm. No, he had not whimpered. He had instead been swearing profusely all the way to the hospital. When a nurse had tried to be nice to him and asked him if he was alright, he had told her, 'My arm stings like shit, you dick! Pull yer messed up head outta yer bloody arse!'" Her face... He still chuckled about it even now.

Then Wolf zoned in and realised everyone was staring at him. Cheeks burning with shame, he ran out of the hut, distraught. He now really understood all the women he'd ever dated when they'd needed to vent.

"Sargey!" The *destructible* indestructible leader of K-Unit wailed as he became a blob in the distance. A blob with dodgy hair.

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><p>The next morning Alex Rider, teenage spy extraordinaire, who thought he'd seen everything there possibly was to see, who thought he'd gone through every horror there was, woke up to a life-scarring sight that he had certainly not expected to see. Ever.<p>

Wolf was lying in his bed, completely out. Ok, that was normal. But the problem was Wolf's head. For it donned... A Mohican. It went about 10 centimetres into the air! Alex fell out of his bed and flat on his face with utter shock, which managed to wake everyone else up.

"AAAAAAAHHHH!" Shrieked Eagle when he saw his leader's new hairstyle. "Who the hell are you? Where's Wolf?"

"I am Wolf!" Snarled the caffeine-deprived man. Eagle screamed even louder the second time. Finally Snake managed to rasp out a comment.

"Wolf... What have you done to your head? I mean, I've got nothing against Mohawks, but-"

"It's a Mo_hican_." Alex interrupted.

"Mohawk!"

"Mohican!"

"Mohawk!"

"Mohican!"

"Mohican!"

"No, it's a Mohaw-" Alex stopped dead in the middle of the sentence when he realised Snake had tricked him. "You used reverse psychology! No fair! And it's a MO –BLOODY-HICAN!"

"What_ever_! Anyway, as I was saying: Wolf, Mohawks are so not your style."

"It's a Mohi-" Alex was cut off as Snake decided to take action and stuck a plaster across the teen's mouth.

"Mnnhnnm!" Roared Alex, looking like he was on the verge of having a temper tantrum.

"I'm sorry, what was that? I didn't hear you!" Taunted Snake in a voice that was overly sugary. Wolf suddenly grunted, bringing everyone's attention back to him.

"Well I like my hair, so tough!"

"O-Okay..." Sobbed Eagle, backing out of the hut, staring uncontrollably at the hair, then barging out the door in a sprint.

"Some friends you lot are!" Yelled Wolf, before huffing off in a fashion similar to a rhinoceros.

Snake and Alex glanced at eachother, Alex desperately tugging at the plaster to try and get it off.

"Mmnhmphmm!"

"Oh, you won't be able to get it off for about three days," Snake told Alex cheerfully, "It's a special superglue edition." In reply, Alex mimed eating something. Snake chuckled and said, "You'll just have to have the drip diet."

Alex's eyes widened in shock. No... Not the drip diet! Anything but that! It was for anorexic teenage girls, not macho teenage superspies that could keep up with the SAS! As if reading Alex's thoughts, Snake gave a sadistic smirk and walked out, leaving Alex to try and process the terror of what was to come.

**Poor Alex! I'm so evil! No offence to people with Mohicans. As Snake said, Mohicans, or rather, Mohawks, don't suit him.**


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